How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Randomize
