And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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