I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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