I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
im holly from the hills drunk
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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