i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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