Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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