I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
