i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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