Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
