How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm like, not good at living.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize