Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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