I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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