If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
