:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
