Soap is not a condiment
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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