My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
