Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
