Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
