mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
