hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
