i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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