Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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