i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
