Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
