he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
