i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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