I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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