my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
