i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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