he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
