I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
