she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
