I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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