To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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