i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
