What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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