Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
