Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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