I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
