Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
