i would punch a child for taco bell
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
meet me or not, i'm out of control
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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