She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
