I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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