dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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