They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
