doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
