One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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