He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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