I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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