There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
