i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
