so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize