I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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