Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
