I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
