The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
