I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize