dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
