who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
