You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
