Someone shit on the floor
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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