A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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