boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
