Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
