oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
