Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
