There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
foreskin is a definite game changer
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
