Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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