I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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