I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
