Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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