Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize