No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
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