very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Please don't give away my fajitas
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
