Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
