I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
