so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
