i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
