Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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