dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My ass is underappreciated
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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